Funny Wedding Quotes: 64 Hilarious Marriage Sayings

A good addition to a wedding or anniversary card is a funny quote or one liner. They can put a smile on the recipients face and make something formal seem much less so. So use these funny wedding quotes in your card to friends, family, wife or husband and see them laugh until they cry.

Funny Marriage Quotes

Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

In life we should always keep our eyes wide open. However, after marriage it‘s better to close them at times!

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.
~Helen Rowland

Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.

No, please don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids, eat them.
~Homer Simpson

Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?
~Groucho Marx

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
~Benjamin Franklin

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
~Rita Rudner

My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
~Helen Rowland

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
~Ogden Nash

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Make love and not war. Or, find someone, marry them And you can do both!

Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.

“Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will be mad at each other as well.”

“Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet, just to see who they really are.”

When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink.
~P. Hopper

SEE MORE: Funny Wedding Card Messages, Wishes and Quotes

Funny Wedding Quotes from Movies

Some of the most famous films have great lines and quotes about marriage and weddings. These are just a few of our favourites that are perfect for using in a wedding toast or card message.

“Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.” ~ Wayne’s World

“Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?” ~ The Last Kiss

“We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.” ~ So I Married an Axe Murderer

“Be excellent to each other.” ~ Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

“Marriages don’t work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. Marriage is about both people being equally miserable.” ~ Forget Paris

“Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.” ~ Clue

“We were perfectly happy until we decided to live happily ever after.” ~ Sex and the City

“Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” ~ Letters to Juliet

“Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of “Everybody Loves Raymond”, only it doesn’t last twenty-two minutes. It last forever.” ~ Knocked Up

“A wedding is like a funeral, but with musicians.” ~ Mobsters

“I’d do anything to save my marriage but I just haven’t got the time.” ~ Sex and the Single Girl

“If you are ever with a girl that is too good for you – marry her.” ~ Valentine’s Day

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” ~ The Joker is Wild

“Marriage is the Jack Kevorkian of romance.” ~ The Story of Us

“(To marry again) is the victory of optimism over experience.” ~ The Private Life of Henry VIII

SEE MORE: Funny Wedding Anniversary Quotes

Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds

Newlyweds don’t know what they’ve let themselves in for! For a just married couple these quotes are the ideal way to show them the years of pain and torture they’ve signed up for!

“Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight all night.”

Always remember the three words, “Let’s go out.”

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” ~ Ann Bancroft

“You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves” ~ Toni Sciarra Poynter

“Marriage is all about give and take. You give him something to eat and you take some time to yourself”

Two golden rules to a happy marriage: 1. The wife is always right. 2. When you feel she is wrong slap yourself and read rule no. 1 again.

Married Life is so easy, it’s just like a walk in the park. But the problem is that the park is..’Jurassic Park!’

“Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match.”

Welcome to the dangerous world of married life. It‘s too late to repent! Have an amazing journey!

SEE MORE: 130 Wedding Anniversary Quotes to Say ‘I Love You’

Funny Husband Quotes

Husbands are often the butt of their wives jokes, so there’s no shortage of funny quotes about them. If you’re looking for a witty or hilarious quote to lampoon a husband then look no further.

“You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time – Husband!”
~Bill Maher

In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, we wears. I shop, he pays!

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
~Maryon Pearson

“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.”

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” ~ Rita Rudner

“My husband thinks I’m crazy, however he’s the one who married me.”

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.”

“Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore..”

SEE MORE: Wedding Quotes: 101 of the Best Quotes for the Wedding Day

Funny Quotes about Wives

Wives are often seen as the one putting up with all the husbands nonsense in marriage. But these funny wife quotes shine a light in the hilarious escapees the fairer sex get up to in marriage.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
~Joey Adams

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
~Sigmund Freud

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” ~ Michel de Montaigne

Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of website. You understand nothing, but still you say: “I Agree!”

“Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them; Never be proud of your choices, your wife is one of them.”

“They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; After marriage, it is self defense.”

Marriage is a workshop – where the husband works & wife shops

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.”

“If at first you don’t succeed.. try doing it the way your wife told you!”

SEE MORE: Belated Wedding Messages

Funny Positive Marriage Quotes

Amid all the jokes and Jones at husbands and wives it’s easy to forget that marriage is pretty awesome. So use these positive marriage quotes to celebrate the good in getting married.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.

Love is blind. But marriage restores its sight.

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.

Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry the person who you cannot live without.

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know ‘What goes in it’.

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